


Before I Lose Myself

by ASleightOfHand



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Kanej - Freeform, PTSD, Post-Canon, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 02:33:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14227209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASleightOfHand/pseuds/ASleightOfHand
Summary: Dirtyhands and the Wraith are more formidable than ever. Kaz hardens in a different way and Inej returns home after a long time to find him in a compromising position. One-shot.





	Before I Lose Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished this duology and can't stop thinking about these two. I love slow burns and started to write a fic to that end, but then accidentally typed this one out because I tried to get angsty. Then it just turned to smut. Oops.  
> (Also this is the first finished fanfic I've posted...ever?)

Dirtyhands never thought of the past. He made trades and broke noses but he didn’t think about the Wraith. He certainly never thought of a long braid and slender knives when he had to slit the throat of a member of one of the new gangs, the mishap of his new spider. 

 

It wasn’t his fault that most nights Kaz Brekker was wide awake, fisting his cock, still in his shirtsleeves, skin burning as he thought about that laugh, dark hair coming free of a braid and spilling over her breasts. He couldn’t seem to stop from his head thrown back against the pillow, throat taut, waiting to be kissed or choked as he thought of the warmth of her skin, the sharp angles of her hips pulled hard against him. The longer she was away, the more he slipped into these fantasies.

 

Dirtyhands heard stories of a pirate queen sinking slaver ships, marking her victims with her blade before slitting their throats and sending them to the depths. He dealt with the influx of former “indentured” servants coming to Ketterdam. He set fire to the man who said there were only two sorts of jobs a Suli worker should perform. When accused of being soft for taking in the Wraith’s refugees, it was Dirtyhands who strung a member of the Dregs from the roof of the Slat. 

 

Kaz heard stories of men in pleasure houses leaving without their most prized possession, screaming and covered in blood. Inej made sure to arm her saved in more ways than one. He pleaded with her in his head to come back home, to him. He withdrew further from his remaining allies in Ketterdam. He stuck to his office, to darkened rooftops that most definitely did not remind him of her, to scummy warehouses where he had to knock teeth in, he wore the gloves less and less.

 

Dirtyhands placed the deadliest and best trained of her refugees in the pleasure houses himself, at her request in one of her few letters, using many aliases. There were a lot of men going missing or turning up with no cocks and ruined throats the past few months. The houses of ill repute were becoming a place to avoid for even the most despicable men, too nervous of the risks. Many of them blamed Dirtyhands and so the skull cracking business was booming. He would not be found weak for dealing in secrets,  _ kruge _ , power, over skin.

  
  


Still at night, when he nursed bruised knuckles and ribs, and as hard as he tried not to think of her eyes, her smile, the laugh that made his heart soar, he failed. Kaz yelped into his pillows, his body quaking with the aftershocks of his desire and the flashes of fear that dug into his brain. Moans like a wounded animal’s left his lips which he bit to keep from waking the whole of the city. The longer he avoided thinking of her, the more frustrated and urgent his ministrations became when he gave into his desire. He would shove his trousers down past his cock, hoped when she returned he would be able to stand her hand around him like this. If she even wanted to. He hadn’t been able to stand even himself doing this until the dreams had come, especially once they started to invade his waking moments as well. He hoped that he wouldn’t go cold and clammy as soon as she was near him.

 

It made the Dirtyhands in him grab himself harder, near painful, wrapping the other hand in the bed sheets, imagining her clutching onto his arms, sliding down onto him. Sometimes his more vibrant fantasies would turn harsh and terrifying, her eyes rolling into her head and skin growing cold, clammy, gray. He would retch and curse himself and her and the whole of Ketterdam. On those nights he resolved not to think of her dark eyelashes brushing against her cheek, her silent feet leaping across rooftops, the quickdraw flash of her blades, or of what he imagined her body to look like under her spy’s garb. Dirtyhands couldn’t take these distractions and so his cheeks grew gaunter, his revenge crueler. Kaz was afraid Inej wouldn’t recognize him once she came back. Dirtyhands hoped her cruelties at sea would help her understand his at home.

 

Still, it seemed the more he thought of her, of touching her, spending time with her, of her coming home, the less the revulsion came, the less he needed to wear his gloves.

 

The night she finally returned, she slipped through the window, quieter than a mouse. He had miraculously made it under the sheets that night but had already bit his lip bloody, trying to hold off his orgasm until he could press away the memories of the bloated corpses threatening to drag him out of his reverie. He was better now at staving the ghosts off. He was able to clear his head and reset his focus. He thought of the warmth of her when she collapsed into his arms after seeing her parents, the way her slender hand fit nicely into his own. 

 

He sat up when he sensed her, his heart pounded and his cock ached painfully, still in his fist, the sheets pooled around his lap. How had he not known she was back? He cursed the useless spider of his. There wasn’t much else he could say about the situation he was caught in, unless she had gone blind at sea, so he said, “I seem to be caught in a dream.”

 

“A good one?” her voice sounded like a chorus of angels, a prayer to her god. She held herself rigid and confident but he could see her averting her gaze, draped in the moonlight seeping in from the window.

 

“Come over here and find out,” and he wasn’t sure which of him said it because he had no idea what he would do if she crawled on top of him right now.  She moved closer and he felt a tremor run through his body. His already arousal-ragged breathing practically came in gasps. He tried to hide them, poorly, by clearing his throat.

 

“Kaz…” she whispered, “I hear you’ve been setting the Barrel on fire. I’m worried you’re getting lost in the blaze.”

 

“Says the girl carving men up like feast geese.” He withdrew his hands from under the sheets, abandoning any hope of hiding what was under there. 

 

She crouched on his bed and he watched her take in his naked chest, gloveless hands, and the thin bit of tented, rumpled sheet separating the two of them. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, attempted to smirk confidently.

 

“I learned from the best,” Inej said as she leaned in closer to him. He felt the heat coming off of her, saw how swollen her lips looked as she flicked her tongue over them, a blackened smattering of bruises across her arms which reached out from under her shirt collar. Every fantasy and desire he’d harbored for the past few months rushed at him in waves, but so close to her he felt the waters start to consume him again. His heart fell. He felt like a weak little boy. He pleaded with both sides of himself, just let Jordie rest, just let me touch my girl.

 

“I know it’s been a while.” Inej said, peering into his eyes. Her pupils were dilated, he noticed, and probably not just from the darkness.

 

“Too long,” he rasped, “a monster doesn’t have a hard time filling his time, however.”

 

“If a monster becomes a lifeline for hundreds, is he still a monster?” Her hand reached out and brushed his, which was clutching the shin of his aching leg. He swallowed hard. He turned his palm up and interlaced their fingers. There was no hiding the shivers that racked his body as he held his gaze on her eyes. Alive, shining eyes.

 

“A monster doesn’t stop being one after a few good deeds. By the way, my new spider is terrible,” Kaz said, because he didn’t know what else to say and because he needed Dirtyhands right now, just a bit. “Are you certain you can’t take a break from the seas?”

 

“He’s not terrible, you just got lucky with me. Just as I was lucky to have the infamous Dirtyhands and his schemes,” Inej smirked. She laid down on his pillow beside him, still holding his hand.  “I missed you.”

 

Kaz’s heart thudded harder. “Who is this improper lady, admitting such truths, co-opting my bed?”

 

“I’m tired.” Inej said, her lips turning down in what could almost be described as a pout. “And maybe I’m just tired of living half-truths.”  Her arm was stretched at an awkward angle with her laying down like she was, with him still sitting up and his hand firmly rooted to his leg. She started to pull her hand away but he squeezed it, took a deep breath, and laid down beside her. His head swam. They had been close before, had even laid next to one another before, but never with him so vulnerable, never on a bed. Never mere moments after he’d been about to fall over the edge thinking about her.

 

They stayed like that for a moment, facing one another, their hands clasped between them, Inej on top of the sheet that was still protecting Kaz.

 

She shifted her weight so she was leaning over him, eyes fixed to his face as if searching for a sign to stop.

 

“Go on,” he said.

 

She planted her hands tentatively on either side of his face, her braid hung down over her shoulder.  The tip of her hair nearly touched his collarbone. She took his other hand, both of them now pinned lightly to the bed. Half of him wanted her to hold him down and mercilessly fuck him and half of him wanted her to go away and leave him to his fantasies, where he knew now that he was-- usually-- safe to hold her without losing his dinner. 

 

_ Please kiss me, please leave me, please fuck me, please let me catch my breath. _

 

And she swung a leg over him, hovering above his body. Neither thigh touched him but both radiated heat onto his sides. He let out a small, rasping noise. “I won’t touch more than your hands if you don’t want me to.”

 

“It’s not a question of want,” he said. It was practically a growl, his head felt like it was full of bees.

 

She laughed, melodious, and it sent a jolt through his heart. “I know, I can see that. Although I admit I’ve never had a man try so hard to hide it.”

 

Her demons come to call. A wave of guilt crashed over Kaz at the things he’d fantasized, testing his own limits. He needed to be careful of hers, too.

 

“How long were you at the window?” He narrowed his eyes. He moved his leg under the sheet, just slightly, just grazing the edge of hers. Just to test himself. He hadn’t retched yet. He could reset his focus on her better now than before, and now she was right before his eyes. His intense horniness that he’d so weakly let himself bask in might just be his saving grace. She was being so brazen herself, even with her demons. If she could overcome them, why couldn’t he?  Perhaps because he was the one in the more vulnerable of positions right now. A small pang of jealousy struck his belly, because what if she had found someone else to help her with those demons when she’d been away? Someone who could touch and love her properly?

 

“Long enough to hear you moan my name,” she said wickedly, squeezing his hands. It sent a jolt of longing through his whole body and he groaned, the want taking over and blacking out any other thought in his brain. He thrust his hips up at her and pulled on her hands, sending the full weight and sensation of her down onto his body. They were separated by her clothes and his sheet and nothing else and he battered away one brief pang of revulsion. He tried to kiss her, first finding the ridge of her nose and then cheek before his mouth collided with hers. Their teeth knocked together before she seized either side of his face with a frustrated grunt and parted his lips with her own. He groaned into her mouth, a wave of nausea threatening to take hold of him until she twisted her hips, ground down against his pelvis, and flicked her tongue into his.

 

“It’s only me, stay here, this moment,” Inej murmured, clearly able to feel him shake.

 

He found his hands, now free, grasping at her hips. One found the small of her waist and brought her in closer to him, his hand twisted in the fabric of her shirt, desperate to cling onto this desire keeping all the horrible things at bay. She was his girl and in his arms, kissing him, grinding deliciously into him. Never would he have imagined it would happen so quickly, so completely. He held onto her tight to keep his body from soaring away.

 

She pulled her mouth away and gasped, “you okay?”

 

“I’m perfect. As long as you don’t stop. Are you?” he said. If he didn’t let himself think, maybe they could actually do this. Maybe with the months of being away from her he would finally let himself have her.

 

“Yes,” she breathed, “I started this, remember?”

He collected her lithe body in his arms and flipped them over, pushed her tunic to the side to find the crook of her neck he had once brushed his lips against. He pressed a firm kiss there now, gave her a little nip which brought her hips up into his. Her hands found his bare back, nails trailing down his shoulder blades, grasping his neck and sliding down to his ass. He gasped her name.

 

“Can I take these off?” Inej said, grasping at her shirt. He responded only with lifting the tunic over her head. He took a moment to let his gaze sweep over the swell of her breasts before he leaned down to pepper them with kisses and little bites. He trailed his mouth down her warm belly, her hands in his hair, straining her hips away from the bed. The promise of what was waiting for him under her leggings was enough to keep him going, the tremors receding like the water, and he pulled them off in one swift motion. The sheet twisted away from his hips completely. He had to take a minute to steady himself, to assure that their skin touching was okay. He pushed down the barest murmur of revulsion. He could feel her heart hammering away in her chest and the thought that she was just as scared and just as excited as him gave him a new edge of bravery.

 

Inej pressed her legs harder into his sides and flipped them back over so she was on top, in control. She grasped his cock and he thought his heart was going to explode before he could even appreciate the sight of her completely naked and straddling him. His eyelids fluttered and his eyes started to roll back. Kaz didn’t think he could concentrate on what he had just been about to do with her doing  _ that _ . His hand slipped clumsily against her center and he moaned when his fingers met her wetness, which coated her inner thighs already. 

 

He tried to focus as she slid her hand down his cock, as he had done so many times when he thought about having her like this, but she was distracted too, her eyes fluttered at his touch and her hand faltered in its motions. He slipped one finger into her and her hand fell away from him as she gasped his name. Her back arched slightly and he started to slide the finger in and out as he’d imagined his cock would in so many fantasies. He had no idea what he was doing but the warmth and wetness felt so good and her face looked so beautifully enraptured in ecstasy that he could think of nothing else but to keep going.

 

“I want you,” he rasped as he added another finger and both slid into her to the last knuckle. She let out a tiny little sob as she thrust herself harder onto his hand. 

 

“I’m right here, Kaz,” she growled, and before he quite knew what was happening she pressed her legs tighter into his waist and sank down onto the head of his cock. She stifled a little yelp and he had to bite his lip to keep from doing the same. His hands hovered around her sides until she gently took them and, when he nodded, placed them on her hips. His fingers brushed against the curve of her lower back. He went slow at first, though he trembled with the effort. He wanted her to do this part at her own pace. She stared deep into his eyes, her jaw set, as she sank farther onto him, his cock getting deeper and deeper, her wetness enveloping him in such a new, intense sensation that he didn’t know if he would remember his own name after this. 

 

Inej entwined herself around him and he found himself closing the distance completely, keeping the warmth of her skin in contact with as much of him as he could. He didn’t know human contact could feel so right, so unlike punishment. He actually chuckled at how good it felt and went back to kissing her, her mouth sweet and welcoming as they thrust together under the moonlight. 

 

Sweat beaded on their skin and the room was full of quiet groans and whimpers. He felt himself growing close, her tightness of a much different variety than his own fist. He slid his hand down to find her clit, because he would not be one of those men to finish first, and she bit down into his shoulder, her body tensing up. She lost her momentum and he took over the thrusting. He rubbed his thumb in gentle circles, his other fingers slipped across her soft, swollen lips, as he thrust into her. Her thighs spasmed around him, their grip loosened as she tightened and released on his cock, a rush of new wetness enveloping him. She gasped into the crook of his neck, whispered his name over and over like a prayer as the tension left her body. He couldn’t handle anymore and with a twitch of his cock he pulled out of her, fisting his sheet around himself as he finished, Inej still burrowed into his neck. Her hair was soft but the way it stuck to his sweat-slickened neck made him pull away faster than he might have, if he were someone else.

 

They rolled away from each other, breathing heavily, the air cooling the sweat on his skin in her absence. She curled onto her side next to him, leaving space between the two, as if afraid he would suddenly be revolted by her touch. She looked sleepy, her hair had come free from her braid and was fanned out over his pillows. Her breath came raggedly, but she looked more relaxed than he’d ever seen her. There was still a pleasant haze over his mind.

 

“Apparently all I have to do is leave for a year and kill a few dozen men for you to let go of your armor.” Inej teased. He could see the worry in her eyes, her tentative happiness.

 

Kaz couldn’t think of a single sarcastic thing to say back to her so instead just smiled and pulled her into him. He had no idea how he would deal with this tomorrow, how he would have to pay for this, how long the memories would stay away. For now he was at peace and he wanted to enjoy the touch of his pirate queen for just a little longer.


End file.
